I'm at work and SO TIRED. Good thing my job isn't sitting at a desk, because I'm sure I would be asleep by now. I'm going to have to spend the night in my own bed very soon; I don't really sleep at the house -apart from taking short naps in an armchair- and it's beginning to take it's toll on my sanity.
Most of the time I like the people I work with; they're young and not entirely unhip. (well, not young like me, they're older than me obviously. But most are in their early 20's). Generally they think I'm a bit of a freak with my weird taste in music -it's an ongoing battle at the tape deck- and they don't understand the way I talk a lot of the time, but they rarely make fun of me so I'm cool with it. Everyone gets given a hard time at some point so when it's my turn I just bear it.
I always have to try to be more 'normal' (ie: conservative) at my jobs but my wackiness always shows itself eventually. Some people realize the coolness factor, where most just kind of roll their eyes and give me "that look". There are a couple of people here that dwell in the more underground side of things, but they try to hide it as much as I do. Ocassionally we spark up a conversation about music if there's a new record out or if there was just a show. The rest of the staff doesn't like it though, because they can't relate, so we usually keep things short.
The only truly unusual people here are wierd in a normal sort of way; by having sex with lots of people. There is a HUGE gay contingent on this staff, and sometimes it seems like almost everyone else 'swings both ways'. There's so much gossip that I basically can't keep up. It's hard for me, as someone who hasn't had sex yet, when the racy jokes start flying. I can usually hold my own; I just say something along the lines of what the conversation was, even if it barely makes sense to me. It seems to work, they laugh and keep talking while I breath a sigh of relief and return to my staff meal or cigarette.
I'm in the bathroom getting ready for my shift and these girls -that I know from last year- are chatting it up big time about their experiences. I don't really want to hear that, to be honest with you. I mean, even when I do finally have sex I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be talking about the vivid details with anyone that will listen. I might talk about it with a close friend I guess, but this indescriminate sharing of explicitness strikes me as .. . . crass.
They're talking about oral sex and I'm just trying to mind my own business, fixing my hair in the mirror. These particular girls have a total mean streak that they think is funny. They'll just gang up and pick on you with no remorse at all. They can be funny and nice too, but you have to watch because when they're together they'll just suddenly turn around and be really vicious. There's no one else in the bathroom to keep them polite so I'm just trying to stay unnoticed and get the hell out of there.
Of course, that never works. For some reason it's my lot in life that when I try to be OUT of people's attention they invariably turn to me. I don't know why, but it's totally maddening and I can't make it stop.
So it happens again, one of the girls turns to me;
"How do you do it, Keta? When you're giving head."
They were talking about the gag reflex and the whole thing is kind of grossing me out. I don't understand why they do it if it's such a bother. I've totally been caught off guard, and it's such a pointed question that I can't just make up some bullshit to deflect it. Still I try to brush it off, mumbling;
"I just try to get it over with as fast as possible."
I see that they can tell I have no idea what I'm talking about. I put a brave face on nonetheless. They are completely not satisfied and continue to pry me with questions which I ignore.
"She's probably still a virgin!" one of them says loudly and they all laugh.
Normally I don't see how my face looks when I am crushed, but I just happen to be standing in front of a big mirror at this very moment and 'crestfallen' doesn't seem to be a strong enough description. They got me at a moment when I was completely unprepared, and already feeling vulnerable because I didn't understand their conversation.
It's obvious to them that they hurt my feelings, which is even worse, and the girl that said it apologizes. I try to think of something witty to say, like, "I'm only 17 years old, give me a break!" but don't want to sound childish. Besides, these girls were probably having sex before they were 17, so they'd just laugh at me even more.
I try to cultivate a reprimand look and get the hell out of the bathroom. I know that once I do have sex I won't find this stuff embarrasing at all; I just don't understand what the purpose is in SHAMING someone. It's not like I couldn't have done it tons of times if I wanted to; it's happened more than once, in darkened rooms at parties and stuff, where I've literally had to beat a guy off with a stick!
On the other hand, I do find all of the frank openness educational in many ways. I'm learning real life stuff without having to 'get my hands dirty' so to speak. So that when I do end up doing it I hope I'm not completely lost!
The kids at the house (the boys mostly) as just starting to embark on their sexual journeys but I can't glean any insight from them. Compared to the people at work it's obvious that the boys have no idea what they are doing, which attracts me to them even less than I was before. I think of them as my cousins or something.
